Divorcing with children is probably one of the most heartbreaking things you can do in your life.
There is no end to the pain and guilt you will feel when your needs conflict with the perceived needs of your children. After all, you know you would gladly give your own life for the life of your child, so how come you can’t just go through the motions and make the relationship work for the benefit of the children?
The fact is that many couples try to do just that. They remain in a loveless, tense and unfulfilling relationship “for the sake of the kids”. What these couples forget is that children are very perceptive. They notice things, such as how their parents do not exchange loving looks or glances, how they no longer touch each other, how they just don’t seem happy when they’re with one another. They sense the tension, and worst of all, they oftentimes think it is their own fault.
They will go to great lengths to try to make mommy and daddy happy again, and since the unhappiness has nothing to do with them, they are doomed to failure. The marital unhappiness becomes their own unhappiness, and they end up carrying it with them just as much as their parents.
Unhappily married couples who stay together for the sake of the kids think they are giving a gift to their children, yet they may in fact be causing great pain and sorrow to the ones they wish to protect the most.
When it comes to divorcing with children, honesty is the best policy. Words cannot put into full effect the importance of you and your partner remaining civil towards each other, and dealing with the changes brought about by divorce in an honest and open fashion. Do not plan your divorce while subsequently hiding the change from your children, as they will sense that something is different and will not understand what is going on.
If at all possible, sit them down together and explain clearly and patiently the changes that will be coming their way. Expect them to be upset, reassure them that it is not their fault and that you both will still love them and be in their lives. If you are struggling with how to tell them, it may be beneficial for you and you partner to go to counseling for a few sessions to learn how to best present divorcing for your kids.
The right counselor can help guide you towards the appropriate methods for the ages of your children, and help with any questions you may have about the emotional process. Divorcing with children is never easy, and there will be some difficult and emotional times. Yet children ultimately want to see their parents happy, and for that, a divorce is sometimes necessary.
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